Thursday 9 June 2016

Trapped In A Loveless Marriage I Don’t Love My Hubby Anymore



My name is simply Ojuola, I am in my early forties officially married to a man from the same zone in Nigeria but I can tell you that I don’t feel married but trapped. I need advice fast. My friends and I have discussed this issue over the years; some said I should leave the marriage while some are against it.
I have actually been married for over ten years and we have been blessed with two kids. I am a successful businesswoman by all standards, I can travel and give myself and my children a treat to anywhere in the world if I so desire at anytime.

The genesis of the problem started from courtship I think we really did not get to know each other and courted for few months.I have been disappointed several times by guys I thought were meant for me, by the time I met my husband, I was not even thinking of marriage. I had given up, I was in my late twenties then.

But funny enough he proposed immediately and because he was presentable and had prospects, I accepted especially because my parents had been putting great pressure on me to get married.
We courted for few months and had a mini society wedding that was the talk-of-the-town then, as I was already a ‘big girl’ working in an oil consultancy firm.
The kids (two)came almost immediately and in between the early years of marriage, I realised we hardly speak to each other even when we had no marital squabbles. He can keep malice whenever he chooses, after my second child, he did not talk to me for six months except to drop baby expenses and ask for food or on rare occasions, sex. If there was a stay-at-home or holiday, the two of us will have nothing to discuss other than food, household expenses or the kids.

We are not friends at all. Absolutely no bond which is strange to me. I have always been soul mates with anybody I have ever dated and best of confidants.
To crown it all, he started making passes at some of members of my staff he comes across, I was able to find out when a particular girl confessed that he asked her to go wait in a nearby hotel. Another time I caught him with a 12-year-old maid who has been living with us from the tender age of 9 as family, this was right after he just finished making love to me.

I confronted him and he apologised but from time eight to nine years ago,I will say all iota of love I ever had disappeared because I cannot understand, get over or  forgive child abuse. it could be anybody’s child.I continued with the unhappy marriage because of my parents who says there is no divorce history in our family.
Then, the violence began.  I have ran to the streets naked because of serious beating before. If I argue with him or come home late due to traffic or work, I will be beaten blue black, there was a time I could not see for two weeks and ran away without the kids but when I was healed,I came back because of the kids and reported him to his pastor and threatened to put my battered face picture in the papers. This worked because he never laid his hands on me thereafter.
But I can say in one year we may not make love more than 3 times because I usually refuse because we never communicate at all or even smile to each other and he expects me to be in the mood to make love, it’s better he visits prostitutes as far as I am concerned.
At the moment he is sleeping with the current maid but I don’t care because she is not the first, second or third—they are not the real problems as far as I am concerned .If he travels, I usually feel relieved, is this normal?
I am scared for my future as I believe marriage is for companionship and I don’t have companion to talk to outside my family and few friends. Meanwhile, outside is full of fake, jealous supposed friends and dupes who will not be there for you in time of trouble.
Things I believe are not normal:
·       He has never bought me a recharge card before
·       We never gist on phone to find out what is happening to the other unless to pass on a particular message but he gets upset when he sees me chatting endlessly on phone with friends, I must confess, I deserve an award when it gets to this.
·       We never gist or laugh together not to talk of pray together
·       We never attend parties together, even if we are both invited, he will sneak out without me and vice versa. If we eventually go together, we will fight at the venue or he will leave within 45mins, meanwhile I may be ready to stay for four hours.
·       A sibling of his and a pastor friend have told me before that we do not act as couple as they have never seen us exchange affection, smile or even gist in public, I didn’t know what to say except: how did I end up with this grossly incompatible partner?
·        Meanwhile friends envy me because na fine boy but I am ready to exchange him for a plain man that will make me laugh forever. Is that too much to ask?
·       When I see display of affection by other couples, I actually feel jealous. In fact I feel single and unmarried. At times I wish one of the maids can get pregnant so I can escape the marriage.
With or without assurance of getting another spouse, I think its time to go, my single or separated friends scare me that the men outside are worse and that at least the society respects me as married, but what if I go nuts? Will society look after my kids?
I am tempted to have relationships but because I am well known, it will likely blow open and cause scandal so I now dedicate my time to work, church and the children. Can I continue like this? I don’t have any other relationship now but I don’t think I deserve to continue in this facade called marriage.
I have told him its better we stop pretending and divorce but he claims he loves me and does not want divorce. With this kind of love, I prefer hatred. He can NEVER change his character.
Readers please advise me.


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