SUPER SINGLES SERIES

Widows and widowers want mates too

How do widows, who have suddenly become single, cope with this state? How do they stabilise emotionally and still maintain their status as single parents?

 Since John lost Eugenia, his late wife, life had been hell! “That was five years ago and I was left with two kids. Initially, I thought nobody could fill the vacuum her death caused and I made up my mind never to get married again,” he said. But that was short-lived. “I realised after my third year of widowhood that I took a foolish decision. Why? I was not only lonely; I was tired playing a dual role in the lives of the kids. I dressed them up for school (his kids are toddlers), got the maid to cook and clean the home and I also engaged in school runs. Though I was seeing a lady who was warming my bed, I had to take her outside the home for such activities because I didn’t want to hurt my kids’ emotions. By the time I decided settling down for re-marriage, my in-laws and neighbours started raising the alarm. I was disappointed in them all because they failed to realise that I was single and needed a mate too. I decided getting serious with a lady in my office. She was the secretary to my boss and we became very close. I bought things for her, supported her parents and siblings, helped with her car maintenance and so many other things. I was ready to marry her but my late wife’s mother was against it. She brain-washed my children and they became hostile to Kunmi, my lover. It got to the extent that she started receiving phone calls and was informed that I was under a curse and that every woman I marry must die. This affected our affair and the girl took to her heels. I have dated other women but by the time my neighbours talked to them, they stop seeing me. I have decided to move out of that neighbourhood and start my life all over again. I can’t be a widower forever!

Maybe widows are worst hit. By the time Rufus died, one thing was clear to Perpetual, his widow—you bear your emotional burdens alone. “It was difficult coping with the loss of a man I loved and married for 12 year,” she began. “At 37, I was a young widow and had three kids. Though I was getting support from his family members and friends, I needed more than money. I wanted someone I could share my heart with. It was horrible sleeping alone, tendering to the kids alone and I had nobody to support my emotional needs. I was living in the family house and there was no way a male friend could visit me. In fact, none of my in-laws thought of re-marriage for me. To them, I had my kids and that should make me forget that I am a woman with blood flowing in my veins. Though my mother-in-law suggested one of my late husband’s uncles, I rejected the idea. The man was old and I will become a widow again if I packed into his house. For three years, I struggled with my emotional needs until I met Fabian. He was a young man and still single. Surprisingly, he wanted to marry me and even adopt my kids but we met a brick wall when his parents saw me. His mother wondered how her son would bring home a widow. What if I killed her son just as I killed my late husband? I cried and explained to them that my late husband died of cancer and I didn’t have a hand in it. Fabian was adamant and told his parents that he loved me and would marry me. This went on for a year but gradually, he withdrew due to pressure from his family and I am alone now. At 41, I am still pretty, my figure is stunning and I have had a few male friends but many run from marriage because of widowhood. Even my in-laws had declared that immediately I re-marry, I have to pack out of their house and they will stop my allowance but  kids’ school fees will be paid. They have refused to see me as a single lady, to them, I am a widow.  I still don’t know why being a widow makes me different from other women.”

WHAT TO DO

The first state is coming to terms with the fact that you have lost a loved one and there is nothing you do that would bring him/her back. Being single once again also means facing life and pushing back the past, especially the fears of re-occurrence. It is also not seeing your late spouse in whomever you date/intend dating. Remember there are the kids to talk to on your plans. Coping with selfish in-laws require wisdom and lots of patience. They also nurse their loss too and would not be comfortable seeing another person putting on the shoes of your late spouse. There is also the need to carefully and prayerfully get involved with someone who would accept your kids and play the role of that late spouse well.