BROKEN HEARTS CAN HEAL

My wife makes me sad

Dear Kemi,

My marriage is threatened. Last December, my wife went, first, to Benin and then Abuja to accept a job offer from her sisters who actively prodded her to buying a car in Benin. They jointly abused my mother, causing her deep hurt, a sense of betrayal, high Blood Pressure and death. Even now, exactly a year after, any slight quarrel, however unrelated, she heaped insults on my late mother and has repeatedly said that she would never come back to Lagos from Abuja where she is staying with my three sons in her sister’s house. What do I do?

O.O

Lagos.

Really, I would have loved to hear your wife’s version of this issue before giving my piece of advice. Matrimonial matters are not to be judged when the other partner has not been given a fair hearing. Meanwhile, I believe you should report this case to your family and get a delegation to see hers too. There should be members of her family who are still sane and would hear you out.

She says I don’t have a car

Dear Kemi,

I am 32, single, ready for marriage but no woman yet. There was this girl I was dating and she sent a message that I was too fat and I had big eyes! But women are telling me that my eyes are sexy. She said that I didn’t have a car, that she had found a man with a car and would stretch her legs in the front seat.  This was a girl I paid for her GCE exams, bought her clothes worth over N30, 000, bought foodstuff and a handset for her mother in the village whereas my mother does not have. Now, the guy has dumped her and she came back to me for forgiveness. Moreover, I got another lady, who told me that her pastor said we could not get married. This was after I paid her house rent. I have made up my mind that I would not get married.

P.I

Abuja.

You don’t have to be discouraged because many men have had worse experiences and they never gave up. Maybe you should put a check on how you easily render help to any of your dates. Not that you would be stingy but having the eyes of a serpent and the mind of a dove. Women, especially those who are after your purse, can’t pretend for long. Meanwhile, it is left to you if you want a lady who trampled on you, took to another man because of vanity, got hurt in the process and now made a U-turn to you. She will still run after another man who has what you don’t have materially. Forgive her but forget about having affair with her.

He is married but wants me pregnant

Dear Kemi,

I am 28, dating a married man whose wife does not have children for him yet. He wanted me to have kids for him but I don’t love him. But he does love me and recently, I met a young man of 35 who wanted my hand in marriage. Now that the married man is misbehaving and even said he is tired of me, what do I do? I am in love with the young man or do I let go of him for the married man?

T.O

Abuja.

The choice remains yours. You would be the one to live under the same roof with whoever you choose and face the future together. Would the married man love you if you don’t have kids for him? Is he out to make you a baby machine and what are the possibilities that he will not run back to his wife if she gets pregnant? What is the future like in a polygamous home, if you eventually marry him? What are the advantages of marrying a younger man, starting life together without strings attached? Is it worth dumping him for a married man? If you are able to answer these questions, you will make a choice.

I want her body, money

Dear Kemi,

 I am 26 and a fresh graduate.  I was dating a girl for her money and body but had no feelings for her. After five months, she has called me that she was pregnant! I have accepted the baby but unfortunately, my parents insisted that I must marry her. They have set the date for our introduction. Please help me.

I.L

Ogun State

If you could date her, sleep with her and spend her money, I don’t see why she can’t be your wife. You don’t love her? I think that a bird in hand is worth millions in the bush. If she is submissive, obedient, a good home-maker and caring, you should allow your heart grow to love her. But you have not given me reasons why you don’t even love her. For your parents to insist that you marry her, I think she is a good girl and you should embrace her. Love is like a plant that grows when being nurtured.

She is not literate

Dear Kemi,

 I am 32, a master’s degree holder, employed and also an entrepreneur. I am in love with a lady who is a school certificate holder. She was my former secretary, well-behaved and I promised her marriage. Recently, she had a spiritual attack that affected her brain. I have been told that it is acute fever that caused the illness and she is in her village church now. I visited her last December and she recognised me, responded to our discussions and cried when I was leaving. She even insisted following me in the presence of her mother and relatives. I love her but I m confused.

Onye. A

Every problem is surmountable. The spiritual attack was not a fault of hers and I believe God will heal her. If you really love her, you will stand by her in this critical time of her life and pray for her healing. Love is also sharing joy, grief and every situation together. Whenever she gets healed, you can marry her. On the difference between your qualification and hers, I don’t see any stress in that. Let her further her studies and encourage her too.  Every man’s wife is what he makes of her. 

I want marriage, he wants education

Dear Kemi,

 I am 32, he is 29 and we are in love.  The problem is that he wants to go back to school and I cannot wait because of my age. What do I do?

K.K,

Ibadan

If you are both in love, you can make adequate arrangement on how to get married and not have his education affected.  Why not sit down, talk and highlight the advantages/disadvantages? If both of you can cope, then go ahead. Just make sure this arrangement is well spelt out but if he can’t cope, I am afraid, you have to let go.

She is not of my tribe

Dear Kemi,

I am from Imo State but dating a Yoruba man. We are really in love but my people are saying that a Yoruba man will always go back to marry someone from his tribe and be polygamous. We plan getting married next year. What do I do?

Blessing,

Lagos.

There are so many insinuations about many tribes that you get confused. You will be shocked to know that same things are said about your tribe too! But are you in love with the man or his tribe? If you feel secure with him and he has shown commitment and a sense of responsibility to the relationship, maybe you have to convince your family better.