LOVE MATTERS

DEAR KEMI,

My mother-in-law sleeps in our bed

I graduated at 23, waited till 29 before I got married because of my husband’s plea. I am now 36, my husband is 37. We both attended same university, struggled to make ends meet but I supported him in my little way. Then, his mother was very fond of me and told me how pleased she was.  But just before the wedding, she called me and said her son was not ready for marriage. I told her son and my parents but my mother-in-law-to-be denied and told a lie that she had always wished her son to be married. At a point, I refused going ahead with the wedding but my mother insisted. Few days before the wedding, my fiancé became abusive and his mother called me and told me she was in control of his heart. After the wedding, I had my first child and he later went to live with my mother-in-law. She didn’t allow my husband sleep with me. Rather, she would sleep in my room and asked my husband to go to hers! Relatives, especially my husband’s uncle, got fed up because my mother-in-law did all these cleverly. We have two boys now, my husband meets his financial responsibilities but he abuses me emotionally. I am from a broken home and I dread divorce but I am so lonely. What do I do?

W.E,

Ibadan, Oyo State.

This is a case of two women struggling for the heart of a man.  For a mother-in-law to sleep in her son’s room when he is married is more than meet the eye. Marriage is meant to make a man leave his mother/father and cleave to his wife. You are not going to fight physically with neither your husband nor his mother. It is high time you turned to your parents and tell them all that happened in your home. If possible, invite your pastor too. You need not think of a divorce. I believe with more patience, perseverance and wisdom, you will overcome this hurdle.

Dear Kemi,

He is 20 years older than me

I am 25 years old and dating a man of 45 years who is also married. His marriage is without children and he wants to marry me. But I am afraid of the heat from my friends and family. What do I do because we are both in love? On the other hand, I feel that he will abandon me after having a baby for him because he loves his wife.

S.S

Lagos

If you sense that he loves his wife to the extent of abandoning you after having a baby for him, why not let him go? All your claims of loving him and vice versa may become an issue of sorrow if he dumps you, takes his baby and runs back to his wife. Moreover, if you are not comfortable with the idea of marrying a man who is 20 years older than you are, then, let go! Marriage, especially if you are the other woman, is not as rosy as it seems in courtship. Make hays while your sun still shines.

Dear Kemi,

My wife wearies me

I am 42 and been married for 10 years now with three kids.  My problem is that my wife does not respect me but prefers her family to mine. Any misunderstanding results into fights and we can live together for a month without talking to each other. I have never known peace for the past 10 years and her parents have talked to her but no change from her. I want to divorce her before I lose respect in my family and on the street which we live. I don’t drink or womanise and I have been sleeping alone for over one month.

C, H

Lagos

Something went wrong somewhere and both of you did not correct it for ten years. Really, I don’t advise divorce for a couple with kids because the side effect of a broken home stays longer in the lives of kids than we can imagine. If her parents have spoken to her and intervened in this matter without any change, what have you done as a husband? Why not make attempts at addressing the situation by talking to her instead of keeping malice with her. If you love your kids, then go ahead and make peace with her, who knows she could be touched by your positive attitude? Talk to her and see if you can both give the marriage another chance. Living together is not an easy task but with endurance and tolerance which can be laced with love, the going becomes easy.

I’m scared to marry him

I am a soldier and dating a man, who is also a soldier. He drinks, smokes and sells his property. When I told him to stop all these, he didn’t and I called off the affair. He stabbed himself but he didn’t die. We were later reconciled by his mother. He has proposed to marry me and wants to see my parents by February 2015. Though he beats women, he has never beaten me and many girls run after him. What do I do because I am really confused?

S.L

Warri

I just have this feeling that your marriage to this man may not work out well. Why? He seems not ready to drop off those habits. Immediately he becomes your husband, he could start beating you and sees you like other women running after him. If after marriage you threatened to leave him, I sense he could stab you and also injure himself. Can’t you patiently wait for a better guy or you are too desperate to get married? I have seen many married women who keep asking this question: ‘Why did I marry him?’ Many wished they had your opportunity of knowing the real man before saying ‘I do’. Luckily, this guy has shown you his real self, so take caution and know what you want.

She runs after men

I dated a lady for eight years despite the fact that I met her as a prostitute. She is loving, caring, respectful and hardworking. We agreed getting married in future but after I was deported from Europe and also lost my job, she called off the relationship, went back to the hotel and was dating a younger lover. For two years I was traumatised and almost committed suicide. Now, she has been calling me and scheming a return but I am afraid of what she did before and just want her as a friend. I have already forgiven her but I told her no more romance. What do you think?

Collins

Lagos

A dog will always go back to its vomit. I am sure the younger guy too lost his means of livelihood and she needs a greener pasture. Why stress yourself over her? Don’t make the mistake of dating her again because she would do worse things. Watch it and steer clear of her.