BROKEN HEARTS CAN HEAL

Help! Religion breaks my affairs!

Dear Kemi,

I am 30, employed; a Moslem and I live with my parents. Whenever I fell in love with any man and planned getting married, my parents would not support due to religion or tribe. This was on for a while until two years ago when I met a man and we fell in love with each other. Initially, I was not serious because he was a Christian but he proposed. Now, my parents are against this affair and we both decided dating other persons but it didn’t work. We even consulted both Islamic and Christian clerics for a spiritual way out and we were told we had been ordained to get married. My parents are afraid that he would convert me to Christianity and forget them. I’ve promised them that I would not do that.

A. B.,

Kano.

Really, the stories of love are never complete without conquests of obstacles.  Get spiritual leaders who your parents respect well to talk to them over this matter. You can’t continue being a spinster under their roof because of tribe or religion. Religion should be a personal relationship with your creator and not what anyone imposes on you. This is a task your boyfriend must undertake with you.  He should meet with your parents and tell them you can be his wife and still practise Islam.

My wife hates sex

Dear Kemi,

I am 28 years old and just gained employment in the oil sector. Also, I got married last year and we have a nine-month-old baby boy. While dating, I loved my woman but after marriage she changed. She even complained that my demand for sex was too much. I love sex so much that I’m now planning to divorce her. She is not ready to change and I don’t want to be a polygamist. I am in pains emotionally and I masturbate to ease myself of sexual urge.  She does not welcome me passionately whenever I return from the office and I need a loving, romantic, caring, cheerful and sexy lady to replace her. Please help me out before I become unfaithful.

N.O,

Lagos.

The two of you don’t understand each other emotionally. Have you observed how she copes with house chores, nursing a baby coupled with her office assignment, if she is employed? That could make her irritable. I think you should be more patient and let her know that you care. You can also help with the baby and chores, especially during weekends. Also, your wife needs to be counselled by an elderly person, probably her mother on what matrimony is all about. Sex is as important as air. You are both very young and just starting a home, so learn to help overcome each other’s challenges.

He wants me as a second wife!

Dear KEmi,

I am 30 years old but single. I have been dating a married man, who has a child, for a year and a half. He has been catering for my needs and even my family. He showers me with love, gifts and I truly love him. Now, I am under pressure to get married but the problem is that no suitor is coming. I have had several broken relationships in the past but this man once took me to his village to meet his mother. Though, no formal introduction, he promised to see my family members very soon. They are also of the opinion that if he could rent a two-bedroom apartment for me, then he is more capable of running a polygamous home. They are asking that I bring him home for proper introduction. Or do I call off the affair for intending suitors to come? I don’t want to lose him. Some of my friends said I could be mocked for being a second wife, others shunned the idea but do I go ahead and marry him? Or will a bachelor come one day?

V.I

Abuja.

Even if he can afford to keep two homes, you should know that marriage entails more than money. What were his reasons for wanting another wife? What kind of mother does he have? You need to know all these because you could also face whatever his first wife faces now. If you are ready to be a second wife, you should know that more women, who had already gone to see his mother, are coming. To me, polygamy is not fanciful, no matter the money involved. Maybe some suitors are coming but you are so committed to this affair and what it offers you that you don’t even know when the right suitor comes. Already, your people have decided for you and obviously, you want to have him. Think before you leap.

I have been dumped

Dear Kemi,

I am 31years old and my fiancée travelled to the United Kingdom for her post-graduate and since then, she seldom calls me. I call her thrice weekly including week-end. The problem is that she does not return my calls and whenever I complained, she claimed to be very busy. I am beginning to get worried as we are planning to get married by December. I am very scared. Could it be that she is not interested anymore? What do I do?

P.L

Enugu.

There are two reasons for her action—she could be very busy to call or she could have lost interest in the relationship and would not know how to relay the message to you. I think you should ask her if she is still interested in marrying you or not. I am sure by the time you ask her certain questions, she would open up and let you know her stand. On the other hand, try and exercise patience and observe her preparations for the December wedding. How enthusiastic is she? Does she talk about it? When does she plan coming home? You have to be vigilant and ask many questions.

I don’t love him

Dear Kemi,

I am 23 years and dating a man of 31. He proposed to me but I am not in love with him. I kept to the relationship because I thought I could eventually fall in love with him but unfortunately, it gets worse everyday! He is nice and spoils me silly with gifts but my problem is that we do not connect. I am scared that if I lose him I might not find someone as caring as he is. Should I still go on ahead with him? Or do I wait for someone else? I feel that I have not been fair to him and I have not reciprocated his love.

U.L

Port-Harcourt

Marriage is about connecting. It is about fusing together emotionally, physically and spiritually. You are still young; don’t rush into any marriage out of pity or desperation. Why? You could rush out due to frustration and lack of fulfillment. Let him know how you feel and why you need to call off the affair.